It’s a tender thing,
a vulnerable thing to be loved.
And I, I like control.
I’m well acquainted with deflecting,
Not letting it in
A hardness in my heart, a wall in my chest.
I’m a master at
Conjuring up ways I don’t deserve it
As if Love is some sort of reward system
I wait for the “good enough” bell to ring.
Before allowing myself to open.
I’m well acquainted with the practice of
Protecting myself.
For fear I owe you something.
Shielding the manipulative kind of love
What do you want of me?
I’m too familiar with
Straining, striving and grasping to earn my place in this world,
The ache in my neck signals, I’ve tried to control it all on my own.
And I’m tired.
God, You’re well acquainted with the ins and outs of these walls I erect,
You stand at the door and knock,
never pushing your way through, waiting for me,
your patience as slow as honey dripping from a winter bottle,
You extend a constant invitation.
And sometimes, you know I need rescuing from myself, and so you run after me
Like light chasing the ground in the morning sun, you come to my rescue.
Before my self destruction or self numbing goes too far,
you ever pursue of me, even after all the times I've pushed you away
You don’t stray.
Maybe instead of the hustle and muscle
My goal is surrender
All to thee my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
There’s a mystery in the alchemy of my pain
God’s love is the exchange
And here in this moment, I am open, Spirit of God speak
Your whispers in the wisdom in my body.
what it is you want to say?
“Compassion brave-heart is the best way through
I see what you carry, I see what you’ve been through.
Darling I’m sorry for the counterfeit love you’ve encountered
the love that manipulated,
Misused and caused you pain
What was done to you was done to me all the same
I burn with holy anger for injustices you’ve endured,
My child, please know, I’ve never left you.
And When you’re ready, you can let go of the pain
Holding on with that grip, there’s nothing to gain
In you now, there’s space for my love to grow.
Be ever so gentle with yourself as this is something that will take time
It takes practice and patience to open your beautiful mind.
To the idea that my love is good, ever for you,
You need do nothing in return but allow it to fill you.
I’m closer than your breath
Before you, behind you
Ever near you
Wrapped around and within you”
Exhale, rest & receive.
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
